Let’s be honest – people aren’t on tinder to read bios. The first order of business is usually a mindless orgy of pure, unadulterated swiping with the night’s kebab dripping from your right cheek and the tears of a broken man staining the left. Tinder is a cruel mistress. Unless you’re blessed with the chiseled features and bleached blonde crop of a late-90’s Pitt then you’re going to need a strategy; a plan to avoid being virtually shunted left onto the pile of grotesque ab-flashers, preened gym-junkies and the selfie-stick pouters. While it is not an exact science and I make no guarantees, this is a tried and tested five-picture method that demonstrates all of the qualities that might help you find your Tinderella. Remember the devil is in the detail:
1. The Sportsman:
If you play a sport, or in fact just have photo evidence of you once playing a sport, I highly suggest this as your opening pic. The sight of an athlete somehow triggers the most primal instincts in both sexes – somehow with a sponsor clad jersey even the most unassuming bloke transforms into a shining, phallic embodiment of strength and good genes. This opener signals you are competitive in the right way, probably have a decent rig and are a team player.
2. The Showstopper:
It is crucial that you find the best-looking picture of yourself (with a quality barnet) and serve it up next. It is so important at this point that the ladies know you are/can be at least a 7/10. Make sure to have this photo checked by a close female friend as the wrong choice here can finish you. If possible, try and get your dog in this one. I did and later found out it was the picture that made the difference – The Showstopper.
3. The Money Man
I was lucky enough to have a good picture of me taken on holiday on a friends (very nice) boat. This picture is imperative to show that you are financially sound – i.e. you probably have a job, you like to travel, you’re partial to a glass of rosé on a boat and that someday she might be there too – you get the picture. Now this is again VERY important not to get wrong. Displaying a gross misuse or overstatement of wealth is one of the least attractive things in life. A zoomed in picture of your Rolex or standing in a suit by a Lamborghini (that probably isn’t even yours) might land you a cam-girl named Xenia but will do you no favours with a proper woman.
4. The Popular Guy
You must now demonstrate that you have mates and in turn the “right” kind of mates. Find a picture where your friends are smiling and having a good time. Don’t use the pic where your best mate has been taken off-guard at Bestival and try to look good by association and don’t use a picture with a friend who is considerably better looking than you– you’re fooling no one. Definitely don’t put one up of an ex-girlfriend or any lady that you are not directly related to for that matter – girls don’t get jealous and then swipe right gents…
5. The Family Man
The final piece to my Tinder puzzle was set up by my beautifully sentimental father. He unwittingly paid a photographer to take cheesy (but acceptable) pictures of my family. If you have not experienced this exact family photo-session it is bloody awful, but it can be of use. If you don’t have a semi-decent family photo, try and find the closest thing – Mum, sister, grandparents or dog – it’s all deadly.
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